The Six Best Movies….EVER

So, a while ago I gave you guys the six worst movies, and now I’m giving you the six best. They’re the best in my eyes for different reasons. Either they are beautiful art wise, disturbing on a level I’m sure wome of you people will understand, scare the ever loving shit out of me or are just so ridiculous that they find a place in my heart. Sure, there are more than this….and someday I may tell you about others I love but for now these will have to do. And I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. I tried not to spoil too much….but I think I may have in one or two in my over excitement. Whatever the case….onward and upward! (These are in no particular order)

The Tunnel: “Is he eating-oh god that’s his HEAD!” “WHAT LANGUAGE IS THAT ::denegerate into hysterical sobs and incomprehensible whimpers::” That was pretty much my reaction. I don’t get scared easily by movies and this one did. It’s a low budget Australian horror flick that my friend tipped me on. I saw it online when the makers were running it free. I loved it so much I just ordered the DVD now that it’s out. This is a movie about people who go into a tunnel and find something completely terrifying. I don’t like spoilers but I will say that you never get a good look at the thing and it’s creepy and it EATS PEOPLE’S HEADS ya’ll. It’s like Paula Deen for the subterranean community. “Oh, what goes best with sewer water? Why reporter brain of course…nom nom nom”. Even talking about this movie makes me want to cry and curl up in a ball. If it scares me….it’s AWESOME. So…go watch it. With a light on, and don’t go underground for at least a month after viewing. This just goes to further prove that Australia is home to all the deadliest things EVER. Even the fake ones.

 
Death Proof: Who doesn’t love a good Tarantino flick? Who doesn’t love muscle cars? Who doesn’t love hot girls who know muscle cars IN a Tarantino flick? Mix them together and it’s like gearhead girl heaven! Tarantino’s masterful grasp of dialogue and just all around ass kicking is displayed. As usual he makes a cameo, and his cast is AWESOME. We have, Tracy Thoms, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Zoe MOTHAH-FUCKIN Bell (I added the middle name for emphasis on her awesome), Kurt Russel, Rose McGowan and some other chicks like Vanessa Ferlito and the other two who get killed. Death, revenge and three girls kickin’ Kurt Russel’s behind and you have the best movie ever. Best modern movie I should say. Also, did I mention that Zoe Bell is in it? Who doesn’t love her? Oh…you don’t? Well then get out of here and give me back my damn cookies damnit.

 
Yellow Brick Road: Another film that terrified the ever loving crap out of me. Also reccomended by the same friend who reccomneded the tunnel. Set in the NH wilderness (aisde: I fucking live in NH….more on how this is relevant soon) a documentary team goes to investigate why a town in the days of old got up, walked up a wooded path and most were never seen again. The ones that were seen again were seen torn limb from limb. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN?! Hear a story like that, smart people stay away. Not run into the unknown. IDEK. Getting a little excited because I can still hear the trees playing music in my sleep. Basically shit goes down and the crew has every bad thing ever that could possibly happen and go wrong….happen and go wrong. The trees start playing music, people go crazy and some guy rips some chick’s leg off. Rips it off with his bare fucking hands. “Oh wow Gen this is intense so far…what is he- OMFG OMFG THAT’S HER LEG GODDAMNIT! ::more sobbing::” I made the mistake of watching this alone. When everyone had gone away for a weekend. At night. Our house is surrounded by fucking trees. The windows are open with no coverings and it’s so quiet that it’s eerie (growing up in jersey when you don’t hear sirens every five seconds that’s quiet) and I watch this. I was scared enough to sleep with the lights on. Don’t think I’m easily scared, because I’m really not….but when people start ripping legs because the trees are playing music I draw the line…..

 

The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover: It’s a long title but trust me, this movie is worth it’s weight in gold. A british film from the 80s starring the gorgeous Dame Helen Mirren, Michael Gambon and Tim roth. It’s brilliantly shot and the plot, a woman who falls in love with another man only to have her crazy bathsit husband go bezerk on her and then shit hits the fan (i can’t tell you everything because really you need to watch it for the full effect), is so well done that this movie will forever remain with you. A friend told me about it a few years ago and I had seen some clips on youtube because it was, up until recently when netflix put it online for streaming (Thank you Netflix!!), impossible to find. I watched it for the first time about two months ago and it soared into my top movie list. It’s just so brilliant, and touching and “WTFOMG?!” inducing. So…I highly suggest you all go watch this movie and right now.

 

Meet the Feebles: It’s disgusting. It’s graphic. It’s disturbing. And it’s puppets. Animal puppets. There’s not much else that can be said about this early Peter Jackson film that really does it justice. Oh, there’s a chorus number called “Sodomy” if that gives you any idea. There’s diseased rabbit, a cute….hedgehog looking thing and a rat that wants to have carnal relations with a dog. This movie is quite possibly the worst in history, which makes it the best. And it’s Peter Jackson (….i love early Peter Jackson. then he did King Kong and my heart broke). And a Hippo gone crazy kills almost everyone. What else is there to say but WATCH IT. For the love of all that is holy WATCH IT. Unless you have a weak stomach and/or constitution. Then avoid this like the plague.

 
Dead Alive: Everyone says it. Hell I’m sure even emo hipsters from myspace are saying it now. I won’t go into the fact that I first saw this in high school, and that at that time no one knew what the hell it was (no one I knew anyway) and how much I hate people who suddenly are like “Oh MAN I’ve loved that movie for like three years!” and then I facepalm, sigh heavily and want to murder someone. RIGHT. Anyway, another gem from old school P.J. that just makes my heart go pitter pitter. Far less disgusting in nature than Meet the Feebles, dead alive focuses on….well…Zombies. But a completely different Zombie origin story is found in this movie, and I won’t say anything because you have to see it. This is a highly quotable movie with lines like “Your mother ate my dog!” and “I kick ass for the lord!” I reccomend this to anyone who hasn’t seen it yet because….it’s gory, its funny and it’s gross but not TOO gross. Check out the lawnmower scene and zombie baby….oh yeah.

The Six Worst Movies…EVER.

There are a lot of things I read or watch purely out of a morbid sense of curiosity (“Oh that green gunk is GLOWING! Must touch…” yeah that’s me).  I always end up regretting that decision. Either I become so enraged that the only thing I am capable of doing is sputtering out sounds for a good hour or two while throwing and flailing my limbs about as if that proves what I’m not saying; or I become so fundamentally depressed that “x” amount of time has been stolen from my life I decided to bury myself into watching all thirteen episodes of Firefly in one go. You know, just to cleanse my soul and eyes from the offal that I forced myself to watch.

I’ve decided to compile a list of the worst films/television I have ever watched. I’ve slimmed it down to six, because recalling any more in detail would send me into a hysterical state.  Bringing these forth is simply an act of kindness to humanity, so that you may avoid the same fate I was forced to endure.

 

6. LEGEND OF THE BOG:  There are some movies, especially in the vein of horror, that are so bad they’re good. It’s a fine line and a damn hard one not to cross. (Side note: I think the key to that lays with not taking yourself entirely too serious when making a film like that).  Then, there are films that are so awful you want to throw your television into the pool, or bathtub if you don’t have a pool.  This was, sadly, one of the latter. It had one of my favorite actors in it, Vinnie Jones. If you don’t know who Vinnie Jones is, you live under a rock and I can’t help you. Truthfully I expected this movie to be bad. But I had hoped it would be like all the other bad horror movies I watch, so bad it’s good. With someone like Vinnie Jones in the cast how could it not be right? ….Wrong. It was easily the most terrible movie I have ever watched. Truth be told, Vinnie Jones and Nora Jane Noone (from The Magdalene Sisters, The Descent and Doomsday) were the only good parts of the movie. Alas, not even they could save it. I wish I could explain to you the full scale of awful this movie was, without degrading to stuttering and fist shaking.  Oh, and there was the token nasty American business woman, trying to climb mounds of grass and mud in completely unpractical shoes. Nice to know we’re a “token” something now. Sigh. I would say, watch for yourself and see, but I don’t want to be to blame for anyone throwing their televisions at the wall.

 

5. ZOMBIE STRIPPERS:  I don’t know quite what to say about this one. The title sums up the movie pretty well.  In fact, really everything you need to know about this movie is contained in those two words. An ex of mine had told me I should watch this movie “I love it, it’s awesome.” That right there should have been a clue to me. We didn’t have what you would call “similar tastes”.  In fact she found my love of cult, B and crappy horror movies revolting.  So why then, she would recommend a zombie film to me? Should have known better. It was enough that I wanted to claw my eyes out when I was done. It didn’t take itself seriously, which usually in that kind of movie is a good thing. But, not in this case. There was a level of “Who on earth gave you money for this?!” going on. I’m pretty sure I scared my neighbors at one point or another.  When I emerged from watching the film, I could only say “No more.” I shook my head, grabbed a beer and went back to my Girl Cave to watch Firefly.

 

4. TWILIGHT :  IF you’ve read any of my other posts, you know my disdain for Twilight. See, I have this thing against actresses who get work when they only have three facial expressions. Also when their talent lays mostly in breathy sentences and dumb stares. You know, I thought the book was bad, but Kristen stewart’s excuse for acting made me realize the book is solid gold compared to the movies. Not to mention said movies have spawned legions of dumb kids running around going fangirl crying about their love for “Team Edward” while simultaneously trying to convince the world Twilight did werewolves first.  I more have a problem with the last bit. Everyone’s entitled to fangirl about something. I go fangirl over anything Felicia Day works on….but I don’t go around trying to convince the world that Ms. Day was the first redhead ever, or the first gamer ever…or…something.  I fangirl in the privacy of my home, to my friends and just now on this blog. If I saw her on the street I wouldn’t run up shrieking begging her to sign my shirt. (Uhm, truthfully I’d never run up to her like these tweens do to Robbie Pat. I’d look at whoever I was with and go “DUDE. That’s totally Felicia Day! She’s awesome!” Because…I’m a huge fan of …I don’t know not being a psychopath?).  This got off track. Vampires don’t fucking sparkle. Enough said.

 

3.  ONE EYED MONSTER: You know you’re in for it when Ron Jeremy is in a horror movie. To make him feel comfortable (though I highly doubt the Ronster NEEDS anything to feel comfortable), it was a horror movie set on a porno set.  I still have trouble wrapping my head around this movie, and if I try to explain any complex details- undoubtedly your head will also explode. Its about an alien entity that hijacks Ron Jeremy’s penis to go on a murderous rampage. Yep, you absolutely read that right. AN ALIEN HOMICIDAL PENIS. IDEK….yeah.  Arguably the ONLY redeeming factor to this movie is that Amber Benson was in it. And I tell you it was the only reason I watched it until the end. Oh…and how they kill the alien/demon schlong? An old hussy of a porn star traps it in her LADY PARTS and squeezes until it explodes, also killing her with tons of alien penile seed….oh god I feel horrible just TYPING that.

 

2.   THANKSKILLING: Demon Turkey. This teeters on the edge of being “so bad it’s good” and “shoot me now please”.  I’m going toward the latter with it simply because….It’s a murderous demon Turkey. And, the acting is awful. Though, the Turkey is the best character so that should really tell you something.  He’s a cursed turkey. And it’s college kids that incur his wrath.  The special effects left so much to be desired.  Honestly, I don’t have much else to say about this movie. Just uh….yeah beware demon turkeys.

 

  1. CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST: This movie has disturbed anyone who watched it. I know this because in order NOT to be disturbed by it…you have to have absolutely no soul. This movie isn’t on the list because it’s horridly acted. Actually it’s on here because the acting and effects were TOO good. It was most disturbing because it felt so real. Not to mention that there was some serious animal cruelty crap (certain scenes they slaughtered actual live animals) going on. Now, I’m usually of the volition that “I can watch people hacked to bits in movies, just not animals.” But this movie COMPLETELY challenged my previous disposition. I in fact, couldn’t stand to see what was happening to the people in the movie. When it was released it caused some SERIOUS scandal issues. People thought it was real. You can read more about that here. I have never had cause to feel dirty on the inside, where no amount of Clorox scrubbed on my skin will clean me. The only thing I could say to my friend after she showed me this movie was “I’ll never sleep again. I feel so dirty. I’ll never be the same.”  A little bit of me died that night.  Thankfully I was able to forget by diving headfirst into a bottle of wine and never looking back. It’s one film I’ll never watch again. Also…please for the love of the almighty don’t run out and watch it. Take my word for it. I don’t want to be responsible if you cut out your own eyes.

Right. So, officially the six worst movies I have yet to see. I’m sure in the coming years there will be more, as bad ideas seem to come in droves.  Well then, I’m off. It’s snowing here again and I have the biggest desire to make tons of tea and curl up with Netflix, exploring the vast world of bad 60s exploitation horror flicks. Yeah, what can I say. I’m a glutton for punishment.