The Six Best Movies….EVER

So, a while ago I gave you guys the six worst movies, and now I’m giving you the six best. They’re the best in my eyes for different reasons. Either they are beautiful art wise, disturbing on a level I’m sure wome of you people will understand, scare the ever loving shit out of me or are just so ridiculous that they find a place in my heart. Sure, there are more than this….and someday I may tell you about others I love but for now these will have to do. And I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. I tried not to spoil too much….but I think I may have in one or two in my over excitement. Whatever the case….onward and upward! (These are in no particular order)

The Tunnel: “Is he eating-oh god that’s his HEAD!” “WHAT LANGUAGE IS THAT ::denegerate into hysterical sobs and incomprehensible whimpers::” That was pretty much my reaction. I don’t get scared easily by movies and this one did. It’s a low budget Australian horror flick that my friend tipped me on. I saw it online when the makers were running it free. I loved it so much I just ordered the DVD now that it’s out. This is a movie about people who go into a tunnel and find something completely terrifying. I don’t like spoilers but I will say that you never get a good look at the thing and it’s creepy and it EATS PEOPLE’S HEADS ya’ll. It’s like Paula Deen for the subterranean community. “Oh, what goes best with sewer water? Why reporter brain of course…nom nom nom”. Even talking about this movie makes me want to cry and curl up in a ball. If it scares me….it’s AWESOME. So…go watch it. With a light on, and don’t go underground for at least a month after viewing. This just goes to further prove that Australia is home to all the deadliest things EVER. Even the fake ones.

 
Death Proof: Who doesn’t love a good Tarantino flick? Who doesn’t love muscle cars? Who doesn’t love hot girls who know muscle cars IN a Tarantino flick? Mix them together and it’s like gearhead girl heaven! Tarantino’s masterful grasp of dialogue and just all around ass kicking is displayed. As usual he makes a cameo, and his cast is AWESOME. We have, Tracy Thoms, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Zoe MOTHAH-FUCKIN Bell (I added the middle name for emphasis on her awesome), Kurt Russel, Rose McGowan and some other chicks like Vanessa Ferlito and the other two who get killed. Death, revenge and three girls kickin’ Kurt Russel’s behind and you have the best movie ever. Best modern movie I should say. Also, did I mention that Zoe Bell is in it? Who doesn’t love her? Oh…you don’t? Well then get out of here and give me back my damn cookies damnit.

 
Yellow Brick Road: Another film that terrified the ever loving crap out of me. Also reccomended by the same friend who reccomneded the tunnel. Set in the NH wilderness (aisde: I fucking live in NH….more on how this is relevant soon) a documentary team goes to investigate why a town in the days of old got up, walked up a wooded path and most were never seen again. The ones that were seen again were seen torn limb from limb. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN?! Hear a story like that, smart people stay away. Not run into the unknown. IDEK. Getting a little excited because I can still hear the trees playing music in my sleep. Basically shit goes down and the crew has every bad thing ever that could possibly happen and go wrong….happen and go wrong. The trees start playing music, people go crazy and some guy rips some chick’s leg off. Rips it off with his bare fucking hands. “Oh wow Gen this is intense so far…what is he- OMFG OMFG THAT’S HER LEG GODDAMNIT! ::more sobbing::” I made the mistake of watching this alone. When everyone had gone away for a weekend. At night. Our house is surrounded by fucking trees. The windows are open with no coverings and it’s so quiet that it’s eerie (growing up in jersey when you don’t hear sirens every five seconds that’s quiet) and I watch this. I was scared enough to sleep with the lights on. Don’t think I’m easily scared, because I’m really not….but when people start ripping legs because the trees are playing music I draw the line…..

 

The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover: It’s a long title but trust me, this movie is worth it’s weight in gold. A british film from the 80s starring the gorgeous Dame Helen Mirren, Michael Gambon and Tim roth. It’s brilliantly shot and the plot, a woman who falls in love with another man only to have her crazy bathsit husband go bezerk on her and then shit hits the fan (i can’t tell you everything because really you need to watch it for the full effect), is so well done that this movie will forever remain with you. A friend told me about it a few years ago and I had seen some clips on youtube because it was, up until recently when netflix put it online for streaming (Thank you Netflix!!), impossible to find. I watched it for the first time about two months ago and it soared into my top movie list. It’s just so brilliant, and touching and “WTFOMG?!” inducing. So…I highly suggest you all go watch this movie and right now.

 

Meet the Feebles: It’s disgusting. It’s graphic. It’s disturbing. And it’s puppets. Animal puppets. There’s not much else that can be said about this early Peter Jackson film that really does it justice. Oh, there’s a chorus number called “Sodomy” if that gives you any idea. There’s diseased rabbit, a cute….hedgehog looking thing and a rat that wants to have carnal relations with a dog. This movie is quite possibly the worst in history, which makes it the best. And it’s Peter Jackson (….i love early Peter Jackson. then he did King Kong and my heart broke). And a Hippo gone crazy kills almost everyone. What else is there to say but WATCH IT. For the love of all that is holy WATCH IT. Unless you have a weak stomach and/or constitution. Then avoid this like the plague.

 
Dead Alive: Everyone says it. Hell I’m sure even emo hipsters from myspace are saying it now. I won’t go into the fact that I first saw this in high school, and that at that time no one knew what the hell it was (no one I knew anyway) and how much I hate people who suddenly are like “Oh MAN I’ve loved that movie for like three years!” and then I facepalm, sigh heavily and want to murder someone. RIGHT. Anyway, another gem from old school P.J. that just makes my heart go pitter pitter. Far less disgusting in nature than Meet the Feebles, dead alive focuses on….well…Zombies. But a completely different Zombie origin story is found in this movie, and I won’t say anything because you have to see it. This is a highly quotable movie with lines like “Your mother ate my dog!” and “I kick ass for the lord!” I reccomend this to anyone who hasn’t seen it yet because….it’s gory, its funny and it’s gross but not TOO gross. Check out the lawnmower scene and zombie baby….oh yeah.

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