There are a lot of things I read or watch purely out of a morbid sense of curiosity (“Oh that green gunk is GLOWING! Must touch…” yeah that’s me). I always end up regretting that decision. Either I become so enraged that the only thing I am capable of doing is sputtering out sounds for a good hour or two while throwing and flailing my limbs about as if that proves what I’m not saying; or I become so fundamentally depressed that “x” amount of time has been stolen from my life I decided to bury myself into watching all thirteen episodes of Firefly in one go. You know, just to cleanse my soul and eyes from the offal that I forced myself to watch.
I’ve decided to compile a list of the worst films/television I have ever watched. I’ve slimmed it down to six, because recalling any more in detail would send me into a hysterical state. Bringing these forth is simply an act of kindness to humanity, so that you may avoid the same fate I was forced to endure.
6. LEGEND OF THE BOG: There are some movies, especially in the vein of horror, that are so bad they’re good. It’s a fine line and a damn hard one not to cross. (Side note: I think the key to that lays with not taking yourself entirely too serious when making a film like that). Then, there are films that are so awful you want to throw your television into the pool, or bathtub if you don’t have a pool. This was, sadly, one of the latter. It had one of my favorite actors in it, Vinnie Jones. If you don’t know who Vinnie Jones is, you live under a rock and I can’t help you. Truthfully I expected this movie to be bad. But I had hoped it would be like all the other bad horror movies I watch, so bad it’s good. With someone like Vinnie Jones in the cast how could it not be right? ….Wrong. It was easily the most terrible movie I have ever watched. Truth be told, Vinnie Jones and Nora Jane Noone (from The Magdalene Sisters, The Descent and Doomsday) were the only good parts of the movie. Alas, not even they could save it. I wish I could explain to you the full scale of awful this movie was, without degrading to stuttering and fist shaking. Oh, and there was the token nasty American business woman, trying to climb mounds of grass and mud in completely unpractical shoes. Nice to know we’re a “token” something now. Sigh. I would say, watch for yourself and see, but I don’t want to be to blame for anyone throwing their televisions at the wall.
5. ZOMBIE STRIPPERS: I don’t know quite what to say about this one. The title sums up the movie pretty well. In fact, really everything you need to know about this movie is contained in those two words. An ex of mine had told me I should watch this movie “I love it, it’s awesome.” That right there should have been a clue to me. We didn’t have what you would call “similar tastes”. In fact she found my love of cult, B and crappy horror movies revolting. So why then, she would recommend a zombie film to me? Should have known better. It was enough that I wanted to claw my eyes out when I was done. It didn’t take itself seriously, which usually in that kind of movie is a good thing. But, not in this case. There was a level of “Who on earth gave you money for this?!” going on. I’m pretty sure I scared my neighbors at one point or another. When I emerged from watching the film, I could only say “No more.” I shook my head, grabbed a beer and went back to my Girl Cave to watch Firefly.
4. TWILIGHT : IF you’ve read any of my other posts, you know my disdain for Twilight. See, I have this thing against actresses who get work when they only have three facial expressions. Also when their talent lays mostly in breathy sentences and dumb stares. You know, I thought the book was bad, but Kristen stewart’s excuse for acting made me realize the book is solid gold compared to the movies. Not to mention said movies have spawned legions of dumb kids running around going fangirl crying about their love for “Team Edward” while simultaneously trying to convince the world Twilight did werewolves first. I more have a problem with the last bit. Everyone’s entitled to fangirl about something. I go fangirl over anything Felicia Day works on….but I don’t go around trying to convince the world that Ms. Day was the first redhead ever, or the first gamer ever…or…something. I fangirl in the privacy of my home, to my friends and just now on this blog. If I saw her on the street I wouldn’t run up shrieking begging her to sign my shirt. (Uhm, truthfully I’d never run up to her like these tweens do to Robbie Pat. I’d look at whoever I was with and go “DUDE. That’s totally Felicia Day! She’s awesome!” Because…I’m a huge fan of …I don’t know not being a psychopath?). This got off track. Vampires don’t fucking sparkle. Enough said.
3. ONE EYED MONSTER: You know you’re in for it when Ron Jeremy is in a horror movie. To make him feel comfortable (though I highly doubt the Ronster NEEDS anything to feel comfortable), it was a horror movie set on a porno set. I still have trouble wrapping my head around this movie, and if I try to explain any complex details- undoubtedly your head will also explode. Its about an alien entity that hijacks Ron Jeremy’s penis to go on a murderous rampage. Yep, you absolutely read that right. AN ALIEN HOMICIDAL PENIS. IDEK….yeah. Arguably the ONLY redeeming factor to this movie is that Amber Benson was in it. And I tell you it was the only reason I watched it until the end. Oh…and how they kill the alien/demon schlong? An old hussy of a porn star traps it in her LADY PARTS and squeezes until it explodes, also killing her with tons of alien penile seed….oh god I feel horrible just TYPING that.
2. THANKSKILLING: Demon Turkey. This teeters on the edge of being “so bad it’s good” and “shoot me now please”. I’m going toward the latter with it simply because….It’s a murderous demon Turkey. And, the acting is awful. Though, the Turkey is the best character so that should really tell you something. He’s a cursed turkey. And it’s college kids that incur his wrath. The special effects left so much to be desired. Honestly, I don’t have much else to say about this movie. Just uh….yeah beware demon turkeys.
- CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST: This movie has disturbed anyone who watched it. I know this because in order NOT to be disturbed by it…you have to have absolutely no soul. This movie isn’t on the list because it’s horridly acted. Actually it’s on here because the acting and effects were TOO good. It was most disturbing because it felt so real. Not to mention that there was some serious animal cruelty crap (certain scenes they slaughtered actual live animals) going on. Now, I’m usually of the volition that “I can watch people hacked to bits in movies, just not animals.” But this movie COMPLETELY challenged my previous disposition. I in fact, couldn’t stand to see what was happening to the people in the movie. When it was released it caused some SERIOUS scandal issues. People thought it was real. You can read more about that here. I have never had cause to feel dirty on the inside, where no amount of Clorox scrubbed on my skin will clean me. The only thing I could say to my friend after she showed me this movie was “I’ll never sleep again. I feel so dirty. I’ll never be the same.” A little bit of me died that night. Thankfully I was able to forget by diving headfirst into a bottle of wine and never looking back. It’s one film I’ll never watch again. Also…please for the love of the almighty don’t run out and watch it. Take my word for it. I don’t want to be responsible if you cut out your own eyes.
Right. So, officially the six worst movies I have yet to see. I’m sure in the coming years there will be more, as bad ideas seem to come in droves. Well then, I’m off. It’s snowing here again and I have the biggest desire to make tons of tea and curl up with Netflix, exploring the vast world of bad 60s exploitation horror flicks. Yeah, what can I say. I’m a glutton for punishment.