In Which I Discuss “Nightmare Garden” by Caitlin Kittredge

So I’m sitting at my laptop, coffee at the ready and my meager breakfast of toast with jam, and trying to write something…anything…before work. Of course, the muse hits at inopportune times (such as…in the middle of a business phone call- you should see all my fae knife wielding doodles) and trying to pressure my brain into being creative usually results in some explosion and becoming less than functional for a few days. That’s when I get my best leveling in Skyrim…but I don’t think you care much about that.

 

While I got absolutely nothing done on the re-write of my current venture, I did feel spurred to do another blog post. I recently finished reading Nightmare Garden, by Caitlin Kittredge, and so I bring to you a rather nice review that is spoiler free (Except there are spoilers for the Iron Thorn, and if you haven’t read the first book in the series….you shouldn’t read this). Because, what fun is reading a book when you know what’s going to happen? Unless you’re one of those people who reads the end first…or actively seeks out spoilers because you’re impatient. Well I will not enable you! You can get over that addiction, I know you can.

 
Nightmare Garden picks up where the first book in the series, The Iron Thorn, left off. (And really if you haven’t even read the first one why are you reading this?! Go…buy it or get it off your dusty shelf and read the darn thing. What? Oh, you don’t read YA books because you’re an adult? Well, I have no cookies for you then. Be gone). And it continues the story in an ‘edge of your seat, nail biting, have to put the book down and walk away to recompose’ way. I personally love books like this. I enjoy that feeling of my heart racing a mile a minute, the adrenaline of worrying what the frak is going to happen.

 
I should state, right off the bat that I am totally Team Dean. I root for him, have since the first book and it was really nice to learn more about him. Also? We meet his mother. Wow. Just…wow. It was also nice to see Aoife grow more than she had in the first book. Plus? The story is uh-may-zzzzing. There’s something about trilogies that just make every book (especially the second, I’ve always felt the second book in a trilogy is the most exciting) insanely edge of your seat good.

 
For those who have read the Iron Thorn, you know that stuff got real at the end of the book. With Lovecraft basically getting the apoca-doom treatment, I know I was wanting to know desperately what would happen. Especially to Aoife’s mother. Rest assured, questions are answered. New questions, well every book in a series brings some new questions and ponderings. But all in all this is a book and series I would reccomend to anyone regardless of their age.

 
Typically when I read something, even by an author I love, I find something that bothers me. Something I don’t agree with, or something that just doesn’t…mesh. With Kittredge I have never had that problem. All her books, the whole of the Nocturne City series, the Black London series and this…I have loved without question. She has taken up the spot in my heart as my favorite author.

 
Kittredge has a great writing style, and exceptional talent. I’m far from a critic but I know what I like, and what is good in my eyes. So, hats off to you Ms. Kittredge for another amazing book. I can’t wait to read the next Iron Codex book. Thank you for giving us Aoife (and for giving me Dean…I really ❤ Dean).

 
And to the rest of you reading this in interwebs land…Go out and read! Read these books now. You won’t regret it. And that’s the last I’ll say about it, but don’t come running to me when you have nothing good to read.

 
And now I’m off to work. Second cup of coffee at the ready. Because you can never have too many quad white mochas….

Death by Pen…a dialogue

So, I was talking with my friend Gen and we were, initially, discussing Grosse Point Blank. Which then turned into something else entirely.

 

Gen: I totally forgot about the death by pen in this movie.

Me: ! Death by pen!? Awesome. Someone is totally dying by pen in my novel now.

Gen: Right? Right in the jugular…or maybe the eye?

Me: I was thinking ear first, then right underneath the jaw.

Gen: NICE. (a momentary pause in the conversation) You know, only writers can have a conversation about death-by-pen. “IN THE JUGULAR!” “NOOO! The EAR!”

Me: HA! Yes, if normal people saw the things we talk about they’d be terrified.

Gen: Human Egg Slicers.

Me: …that alone.

 

The human egg slicer thing…well, you REALLY had to be there. It came in as part of a story-line we were working on. And, that was years ago. It’s stuck.  Safe to say whenever I feel blocked, I return to that idea. I’ve yet to actually PUT a human egg slicer into a story. Mostly because I’m afraid the general populace would not know how to handle it. Though, with as many people that loved the Saw movies, I’m fairly certain society is just as messed up as me. 

The Six Worst Movies…EVER.

There are a lot of things I read or watch purely out of a morbid sense of curiosity (“Oh that green gunk is GLOWING! Must touch…” yeah that’s me).  I always end up regretting that decision. Either I become so enraged that the only thing I am capable of doing is sputtering out sounds for a good hour or two while throwing and flailing my limbs about as if that proves what I’m not saying; or I become so fundamentally depressed that “x” amount of time has been stolen from my life I decided to bury myself into watching all thirteen episodes of Firefly in one go. You know, just to cleanse my soul and eyes from the offal that I forced myself to watch.

I’ve decided to compile a list of the worst films/television I have ever watched. I’ve slimmed it down to six, because recalling any more in detail would send me into a hysterical state.  Bringing these forth is simply an act of kindness to humanity, so that you may avoid the same fate I was forced to endure.

 

6. LEGEND OF THE BOG:  There are some movies, especially in the vein of horror, that are so bad they’re good. It’s a fine line and a damn hard one not to cross. (Side note: I think the key to that lays with not taking yourself entirely too serious when making a film like that).  Then, there are films that are so awful you want to throw your television into the pool, or bathtub if you don’t have a pool.  This was, sadly, one of the latter. It had one of my favorite actors in it, Vinnie Jones. If you don’t know who Vinnie Jones is, you live under a rock and I can’t help you. Truthfully I expected this movie to be bad. But I had hoped it would be like all the other bad horror movies I watch, so bad it’s good. With someone like Vinnie Jones in the cast how could it not be right? ….Wrong. It was easily the most terrible movie I have ever watched. Truth be told, Vinnie Jones and Nora Jane Noone (from The Magdalene Sisters, The Descent and Doomsday) were the only good parts of the movie. Alas, not even they could save it. I wish I could explain to you the full scale of awful this movie was, without degrading to stuttering and fist shaking.  Oh, and there was the token nasty American business woman, trying to climb mounds of grass and mud in completely unpractical shoes. Nice to know we’re a “token” something now. Sigh. I would say, watch for yourself and see, but I don’t want to be to blame for anyone throwing their televisions at the wall.

 

5. ZOMBIE STRIPPERS:  I don’t know quite what to say about this one. The title sums up the movie pretty well.  In fact, really everything you need to know about this movie is contained in those two words. An ex of mine had told me I should watch this movie “I love it, it’s awesome.” That right there should have been a clue to me. We didn’t have what you would call “similar tastes”.  In fact she found my love of cult, B and crappy horror movies revolting.  So why then, she would recommend a zombie film to me? Should have known better. It was enough that I wanted to claw my eyes out when I was done. It didn’t take itself seriously, which usually in that kind of movie is a good thing. But, not in this case. There was a level of “Who on earth gave you money for this?!” going on. I’m pretty sure I scared my neighbors at one point or another.  When I emerged from watching the film, I could only say “No more.” I shook my head, grabbed a beer and went back to my Girl Cave to watch Firefly.

 

4. TWILIGHT :  IF you’ve read any of my other posts, you know my disdain for Twilight. See, I have this thing against actresses who get work when they only have three facial expressions. Also when their talent lays mostly in breathy sentences and dumb stares. You know, I thought the book was bad, but Kristen stewart’s excuse for acting made me realize the book is solid gold compared to the movies. Not to mention said movies have spawned legions of dumb kids running around going fangirl crying about their love for “Team Edward” while simultaneously trying to convince the world Twilight did werewolves first.  I more have a problem with the last bit. Everyone’s entitled to fangirl about something. I go fangirl over anything Felicia Day works on….but I don’t go around trying to convince the world that Ms. Day was the first redhead ever, or the first gamer ever…or…something.  I fangirl in the privacy of my home, to my friends and just now on this blog. If I saw her on the street I wouldn’t run up shrieking begging her to sign my shirt. (Uhm, truthfully I’d never run up to her like these tweens do to Robbie Pat. I’d look at whoever I was with and go “DUDE. That’s totally Felicia Day! She’s awesome!” Because…I’m a huge fan of …I don’t know not being a psychopath?).  This got off track. Vampires don’t fucking sparkle. Enough said.

 

3.  ONE EYED MONSTER: You know you’re in for it when Ron Jeremy is in a horror movie. To make him feel comfortable (though I highly doubt the Ronster NEEDS anything to feel comfortable), it was a horror movie set on a porno set.  I still have trouble wrapping my head around this movie, and if I try to explain any complex details- undoubtedly your head will also explode. Its about an alien entity that hijacks Ron Jeremy’s penis to go on a murderous rampage. Yep, you absolutely read that right. AN ALIEN HOMICIDAL PENIS. IDEK….yeah.  Arguably the ONLY redeeming factor to this movie is that Amber Benson was in it. And I tell you it was the only reason I watched it until the end. Oh…and how they kill the alien/demon schlong? An old hussy of a porn star traps it in her LADY PARTS and squeezes until it explodes, also killing her with tons of alien penile seed….oh god I feel horrible just TYPING that.

 

2.   THANKSKILLING: Demon Turkey. This teeters on the edge of being “so bad it’s good” and “shoot me now please”.  I’m going toward the latter with it simply because….It’s a murderous demon Turkey. And, the acting is awful. Though, the Turkey is the best character so that should really tell you something.  He’s a cursed turkey. And it’s college kids that incur his wrath.  The special effects left so much to be desired.  Honestly, I don’t have much else to say about this movie. Just uh….yeah beware demon turkeys.

 

1. CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST: This movie has disturbed anyone who watched it. I know this because in order NOT to be disturbed by it…you have to have absolutely no soul. This movie isn’t on the list because it’s horridly acted. Actually it’s on here because the acting and effects were TOO good. It was most disturbing because it felt so real. Not to mention that there was some serious animal cruelty crap (certain scenes they slaughtered actual live animals) going on. Now, I’m usually of the volition that “I can watch people hacked to bits in movies, just not animals.” But this movie COMPLETELY challenged my previous disposition. I in fact, couldn’t stand to see what was happening to the people in the movie. When it was released it caused some SERIOUS scandal issues. People thought it was real. You can read more about that here. I have never had cause to feel dirty on the inside, where no amount of Clorox scrubbed on my skin will clean me. The only thing I could say to my friend after she showed me this movie was “I’ll never sleep again. I feel so dirty. I’ll never be the same.”  A little bit of me died that night.  Thankfully I was able to forget by diving headfirst into a bottle of wine and never looking back. It’s one film I’ll never watch again. Also…please for the love of the almighty don’t run out and watch it. Take my word for it. I don’t want to be responsible if you cut out your own eyes.

Right. So, officially the six worst movies I have yet to see. I’m sure in the coming years there will be more, as bad ideas seem to come in droves.  Well then, I’m off. It’s snowing here again and I have the biggest desire to make tons of tea and curl up with Netflix, exploring the vast world of bad 60s exploitation horror flicks. Yeah, what can I say. I’m a glutton for punishment.

Setbacks are set-backish

So things with work have been rather crazy the last few weeks and my intentions of reviews are sort of falling to the wayside. Apologies indeed. I hope to get some accomplished this week…okay at LEAST 1. It’s just been difficult to focus on things outside of the mounting pile of everything that must be done for work.  So, they will come soon and they will be awesome.